Short Jokes about Jewish mother
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Jokes about yiddishe mama [mamma; yiddishe mamele] Jewish mother
- David, you know, when I drink - I'm not afraid of anyone!
- What, and even your mom?
“Well, to this level I have not yet drunk!”
A Jewish man is lying on the operating table, about
to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father
says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything
happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
Isaac -was wounded, not far from the house where his mother lived.
She was just waiting him for dinner. Isaac barely crawled to his mother's house. When she opened the door,
- Mom ...., mom ...., I was seriously wounded ...
- So, Isaac, - answered mom, - eat dinner first, and then we will talk ...
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she
was on jury duty.
They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to
the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother
Jewish Mother to her son:
My dear son, you're old enough to have your own opinions…
And I, as your mother, will now explain to you what your opinions must be...
Jewish mother thinking:
Is one Nobel Prize
So much to ask from a child
After all I've done?
A man called his Jewish mother in Florida , 'Mom, how are you!?' 'Not too good,'
said the mother. 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?'
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?' The mother answered, 'Because
I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'
A boy comes home from school and tells his Jewish mother he has a
part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it?' The boy says,
'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says,
'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to
be a nuisance to anybody.
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
"Is ANYTHING all right?"
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish mother's telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.'
A Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door.
With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left.
With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed?"
Two Jewish guys met in the bar.
One says, "David, this is already your seventh fiancee. Are you that picky or they all that picky?"
"No," David answers, "only one is picky, and it is my mother."
After all the money we spent on braces, is that the biggest smile you can give me? [Mona Lisa's Jewish Mother]
I don't care what you've discovered, you could have still written. [Columbus' Jewish Mother]
Of course I'm proud you invented the electric light bulb. Now be a good boy and turn it off and go to bed. [Thomas Edison's Jewish mother]
But it's your Barmitzvah photo. Couldn't you do something about your hair? [Albert Einstein's Jewish mother]
That's a nice story. So now tell me where you've really been for the last 40 years. [Jonah's Jewish mother]
"A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my Buibaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother,
Tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you
a lot, my Ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my Pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is Jerry."
Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his
roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Rachel and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Rachel came to Jacob saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Jacob received a response email from his Mama which read:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Moral: Never lie to your Mama . . . especially if she's Jewish.
Seen in the University of Texas student newspaper: Sweet, little old Jewish lady wishes to correspond with UT undergraduate. Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials: J.D.B.
Signed, His Mother.
Jewish mother gives her son two ties.
Two days later, he puts on one of the ties and goes to visit her.
His mother opens the door, looks at him and says:
- Son, you do not like another tie that you received?
On the street there is a Jewish mother walking with two boys.
They meet her coworker:
- Hi, Sarah. What lovely children. How old are they?
- Dentist Doctor is six years old, and Lawyer will soon be four.
-Dear Rose! You were at the wedding of David and little Sophie?
- I Was! It's not for long…
- Why do you think so?
- I met with the Jewish mother of the groom and the bride Jewish mother ... These Jewish mothers do not fit together ...
Old Jewish proverb
"A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."
- Mommy, why Solomon was so wise?
- Because, son, he had many wives, and he consulted with them all.
- Jewish mother from the window:
- David! Go home!
Mum, am I hungry?
Mother: - No. You are cold.
Son comes home after auditioning for the school play.
Jewish mom asks:
-What role do you have?
-I get to play the Jewish husband.
-Immediately go back to school and ask for a role with words!
Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish Mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offsprings.
"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Judy," said Mrs. Levine with a sniff.
"Every summer she takes me to the
Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Lois does for me," declared Mrs. Stein proudly.
"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the
Hamptons, in my own private guest house." Mrs. Lipkin sat back with a proud smile.
"Nobody loves her mother like my Patty does, nobody." So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour---just to talk about me."
What is the Jewish Kama Sutra? It’s a book of Kama Sutra where Jewish Mom and Dad give advice on every page.
Son: Mother, why do you come in to tuck me in at night?
Mother: I’m worried you’ll catch a cold
Son: Every time you tuck me in, my wife ends up without blankets.
two of these actually did have a Jewish Mother
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with the top hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man; midnight is long past your bed-time!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!"
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "At least she was a nice Jewish girl!"