Short Jewish Jokes

Short Jokes about Jewish mother			Humor is just another defense against the universe. Mel Brooks

Jokes about yiddishe mama [mamma; yiddishe mamele] Jewish mother

A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

JEWISH MOTHERS

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

A man called his mother in Florida , 'Mom, how are you!?' 'Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?' The mother answered, 'Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it?' The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Zero: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
"Is ANYTHING all right?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Jewish mother's telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.'

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson
 who was coming to visit with his wife:

 "You come to the front door of the apartment complex.  I
 am in apartment 14T.  There is a big panel at the door.
 With your elbow push button 14T.  I will buzz you in.  Come
 inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with
 your elbow hit 14.  When you get out I am on the left.
 With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

 "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these
 buttons with my elbow"?

 "You're coming empty handed?"

After all the money we spent on braces, is that the biggest smile you can give me? [Mona Lisa's Jewish Mother]

I don't care what you've discovered, you could have still written. [Columbus' Jewish Mother]

Of course I'm proud you invented the electric light bulb. Now be a good boy and turn it off and go to bed. [Thomas Edison's Jewish mother]

But it's your Barmitzvah photo. Couldn't you do something about your hair? [Albert Einstein's Jewish mother]

That's a nice story. So now tell me where you've really been for the last 40 years. [Jonah's Jewish mother]

"A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"

If you want varnishkas, press 1;

If you want knishes press 2;

If you want chicken soup, press 3;

If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;

If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.

A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

"Behave, my Buibaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, 
Tataleh!  And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh.  Your Mommy loves you 
a lot, my Ketsaleh!"

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my Pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned my name is Jerry."

Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his
roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Rachel and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Rachel came to Jacob saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email:

'Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jacob'

Several days later, Jacob received a response email from his Mama which read:

'Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama'

Moral: Never lie to your Mama . . . especially if she's Jewish.