YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE

                 Yiddish was the secret code,
                therefore I don't farshtaist,
                A bisseleh maybe here and there, the
                rest has gone to waste.

                 Sadly when I hear it now, I only get
                the gist,
                 My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but
                me, I am tsemisht.

                So och un vai as I should say, or
                even oy vai iz mir,
                 Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish,
                it's familiar to my ear.

                And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I
                was shtick naches,
                 But, when it comes to Yiddish
                though, I'm talking out my
                tuchas.
 
                  Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I
                don't know it better.
                 Though it's really nishtkefelecht
                when one needs to write a
                letter.

                 But, when it comes to characters,
                there's really no contention,
                 No other linguist can compete with
                honorable mentshen:
 
                 They have nebbishes and nebechels
                and others without mazel,
                 Then, too, schmendriks and
                schlemiels, and let's not forget
                schlemazel.
 
                 These words are so precise and
                descriptive to the listener,
                 So much better than "a pill " is to
                call someone "farbissener".
 
                 Or, that a brazen woman would be
                better called chaleria,
                 And you'll agree farklempt says more
                than does hysteria.
 
                 I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I
                hope I'm not a kvetch,
                 But isn't meiskeit nicer, than to
                call someone a wretch?

                 Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say,
                 "It's nechtiker tog,
                 don't fear,
                 To me you're still a maven, zol zein
                  shah, don't fill my  ear.
                 A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't
                 mean to interrupt,
                 But you are speaking
                 narishkeit.....And A gezunt auf dein
                 kup!"

                  ~~~~~~~~
                  GLOSSARY
                  ~~~~~~~~
 
                  Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
                  Bisseleh = A little
                  Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
                  Och un vai = Alas and alack
                  Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
                  Pisk = mouth
                  Naches = Joy, Gratification
                  Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame
                  for the children
                  Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
                  Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
                  Nebechels = A pititful person or
                  playing the role of being one
                  Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept
                  person, butter-fingered
                  Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or
                  indifferent person
                  Schlemazel = Luckless person.
                  Unlucky person; one with
                  perpetual bad luck (it is said 
                  that the shlemiel spills the
                  soup on the Shlimazel!)
                  Farbissener = Embittered; bitter
                  person
                  Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably
                  derived from cholera.
                  Farklempt = Too emotional to talk.
                  Ready to cry.
                  Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on
                  your nerves
                  Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a
                  complainer
                  Mieskeit = Ugly
                  Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden,
                  suddenly
                  Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone!
                  Forget it!
                  Nonsense! (Lit., a night's day)
                  Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
                  Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of
                  praise like; Well said! Well done!
                  Narishkeit = Nonsense
 
                  Hope you enjoyed!
 

   Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get ?
   A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck!

   Bar Mitzvah Definition:
   A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a
   Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more
   likely to own a professional sports team
   than he is to play for one.

   How do Jews actually practice their religion
   in contrast to what rabbis tell us we ought to do?
   From Ari Goldman's Book: "Being Jewish: the
  Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" --
1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat.
2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat.
3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat).
4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home.
5. I keep 3 sets of dishes - for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food.

Neurotic: A person who worries about things
that didn't happen in the past... instead of
worrying about something that won't happen in the
future, like normal people.


"A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are
calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.

The Night Before Chanukah
 

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and
maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!

 
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
 
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.


When he got to the door and saw the menorah
"Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish."


With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"


He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
"Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
he called out cheerily into the wind.


More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
"Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
"A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"


Anon 

This is a little-known tale of how G-d came to
give us the Ten Commandments.
G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them
if they would like a Commandment.
"What's a commandment," they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT
ADULTERY," replied G-d.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said,
"No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them
if they would like a commandment. 
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said G-d, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our
economy."
So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them
if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
G-D said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."


It is teeming rain in the flood plain of
the Mississippi valley, and the rising river
begins to threaten all manner of private homes,
including of the local Rabbi. 
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with
police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi,
let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident
He will deliver me."
Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at
which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his
house. A second police rowboat
comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us
evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will
deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced
up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the
officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up!
You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in
the Almighty, and I am confident He will
deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off
the roof, carried away in the current and drowns.
 He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gate
he is admitted, and comes before the Divine
Presence. The Rabbi asks,
"Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous,
observant person my whole life, and depended on You 
to save me in my hour of need. Where were You?"
And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and
a helicopter.
What more do you want?"

"Tradition...Tradition...
"During a service at an old synagogue in
Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up
and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started
yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones
standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
 The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and
commentaries, didn't know what to do. 
His congregation suggested that he consult a
homebound 98-year old man, who was one of the
original founders of their temple. 
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him
what the actual temple tradition was. So he
went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the
congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the
old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old
man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers
sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man
answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old
man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about
whether they should sit or stand!" The old man interrupted, exclaiming,
"THAT is our tradition!"


Kosher Computers 
Made in Israel by DELLSHALOM 
It is selling at such a good price !! 

  If you or a friend are considering a Kosher computer, you should know that
 there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as: 

 
 The cursor moves from right to left. 
 
  Microsoft Office now includes,  "A little byte of this,  and a little byte of that." 
 
 It comes with two hard drives-one for:  fleyshedik (meat) business software  and one for milchedik (dairy) games. 
 
  Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault"  error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt." 
 
  The Chanukah screen savers  include "Flying Dreidels". 
 
  The PC also shuts down automatically  at sundown on Friday evenings. 
 
  The "Start" button has been replaced with the  "Let's Go!! I'm Not Getting Any Younger!" button. 
 
  When disconnecting external devices from the  back of my PC, you are instructed to  "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus." 
 
  Internet Explorer has a spinning  "Star of David" in the upper right corner. 
 
  You will hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.  When running "ScanDisk," it prompts with a  "You want I should fix this?" message. 
 
  When your PC is working too hard,  I occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!" 
 
  Year 2000" issues were replaced by  "Year 5760-5761" issues. 
 
  After 20 minutes of no activity,  your PC would go "Schloffen." 
 
  Computer viruses would now be  cured with chicken soup. 
 
  There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from  Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of  the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor. 
 
  After your computer dies,  you MUST dispose of it within 24 hours.
 
  And of course the BEST Feature of all:   Kosher Computers DONT GET SPAM! 

JEWISH MOTHERS
1.The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women 
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to 
the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. 

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. 
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates 
from medical school. 

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
  A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 

4. Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Pr incess horror movie? 
  It's called 'Debbie Does Dishes.' 

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 
  A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. 

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? 
  A: Facing Bloomingdale's. 

7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, 
she replied, 'So did my arthritis.' 

8. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you!?' 'Not too good,' 
said the mother. 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' 
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible. 
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?' The mother answered, 'Because 
I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.' 

9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a 
part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it?' The boy says, 
'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 
'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.' 

10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 
  A: Under the vacuum cleaner. 

11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
  A: Zero: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to 
be a nuisance to anybody. 

12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. 

13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street 
and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied. 

14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
  A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. 

15. Jewish mother's telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.' 

16. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? 
  A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off. 


17. Question: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? 
		Answer: They're worth it.

18  Question: Why do Jewish men die before their wives? 
		Answer: They want to. 

·        The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. 

·        If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. 

·        It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job. 

·        If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. 

·        Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour? 

·        WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave. 

·        Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah. 

·        Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur. 

·        There's nothing like a good belch.

·        Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

·        Never pay retail. 

·        Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre. 

·        No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover. 

·        The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. 

·        And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

·        If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. 

·        Always leave a little room for the Viennese table. 

·        Always whisper the names of diseases. 

·        One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. 

·        If you don't eat, it will kill me. 

·        Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 

·        The most important word to know in any language is sale. 

·        Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. 

·        Never take a front-row seat at a bris. 

·        Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste. 

·        Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise? 

·        Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. 

·        Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach . 

·        The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the street parking is suspended.

·        You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

·        A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. 

·        A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. 

·        Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? 

·        Before you read the menu, read the prices. 

·        There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45. 

·        According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

·        Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish. 

·        If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

·        No meal is complete without leftovers. 

·        What business is a yenta in? Yours. 

·        If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. 

·        The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall. 

·        Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

·        Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.

JEWISH        VS.  GOYISH

Judges are Jewish

Juries are GOYISH


Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish
	
Using them is Goyish


Ordering family style is Jewish

Ordering a la carte is Goyish


Cruises are Jewish

Walking tours are Goyish


Laugh-In was Jewish
	
Hee Haw was Goyish


Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet first, is Jewish

Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish


Bunions are Jewish
Flat feet are Goyish


Simon Says is Jewish
The Hokey Pokey is Goyish


"Bewitched" is Jewish
"I Dream of Jeannie" is Goyish


The Limbo is Jewish
Line dancing is Goyish


Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish
Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish

GOYISH        VS.   JEWISH

Fruitcake is Goyish
Fruit and cake is Jewish


Reading "how-to" books is Goyish
Writing "how-to" books is Jewish


ESPN is Goyish
PBS is Jewish


Tiffany's is Goyish
Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish


Passing bars is Goyish
Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish


DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish
PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish


Mary Kay is Goyish
Murray the K is Jewish


The Chia pet infomercial is Goyish
Ronco spray-on hair is Jewish


Morbidly obese is Goyish
Baby fat is Jewish

NASCAR is Goyish. Period.

The Jewish Widow And The Butcher.

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His
 widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the
 people of the town decided that she ought to get
 married again.

 But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor
 was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat
 dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the
 butcher had no great formal education. However, she was
 lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

 After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah
 (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she
 went home to prepare to light the candles.

 The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana,
 told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the
 candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.

 She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My
 father,Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles
 it's good to have sex." So they did.

 They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they
 awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said
 that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have
 sex." So they did.

 After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again
 he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says
 after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

 On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend
 who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

 She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from
 a wonderful family...

A university scholar, Mr. Joshua Epstein approaches a learned Rabbi telling him that 
he has a Doctorate in philosophy, and would now like to learn the Talmud to round 
off or complete his knowledge. After summing him up for a few minutes, the Rabbi 
told him " I seriously doubt that you are ready to study Talmud. It’s the deepest 
book of our people. If you wish however I am willing to examine you in logic, and 
if you pass the test I will teach you Talmud. "

The young man agrees. Rabbi holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One 
comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?

The young man stares at the Rabbi. "Is that a test in Logic?" The Rabbi nods.

"The one with the dirty face washes his face" He answers wearily.

"Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. 
The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his 
face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and 
thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes his face."

"Very clever" Says Epstein. . "Give me another test"

The Rabbi again holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One comes out 
with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. which one washes his face?

"We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face"

"Wrong. Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face 
looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the 
clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the 
one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the 
one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his face"

"I didn't think of that!" Says Epstein. " It’s shocking to me that I could make an 
error in logic. Test me again!."

The Rabbi holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with 
a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?

"Each one washes his face"

"Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the 
dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. 
The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his 
face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty 
face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face So neither one washes his face"

Joshua Epstein is desperate. "I am qualified to study Talmud. Please give me one more test"

He groans when the Rabbi lifts his two fingers "Two men come down a chimney. One
comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which 
one washes his face?

"Neither one washes his face"

"Wrong. Do you now see, Joshua, why Socrates logic is an insufficient basis 
for studying the Talmud? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down 
the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with 
a dirty face? Don’t you see? The whole question is narishkeit - foolishness - and 
if you spend your life trying to answer foolish questions, all your answers will be foolish."

Yiddish  Humor

 Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large  truck.

 Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy  lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

     "Didn't you say, at the  scene of the accident, "I'm fine,'?"  asked the lawyer.

Shmuel  responded, 


 "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my  dog Moishele, into  the..."
 
    "I didn't ask for any  details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question.
 
   Did you not say, at the  scene of the accident,  'I'm  fine!'?"

 Shmuel said,  "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas
 driving down the  road...."
 
 The lawyer interrupted again and said,

     
 "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the  accident, this man told the
     Highway Patrolman on the scene  that he was just fine. Now several weeks after 
 the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe  he  is a  fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the  question."
 
 By  this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's  answer and said to the lawyer,
 
 "I'd like to hear what he  has to say about  his dog Moishele."

      Shmuel thanked the Judge and  proceeded.
 "Vell, like I  vas saying, I  just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog) into the
 car and  vas driving him down the highway  when this  huge semi-truck and trailer ran the
  stop  sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one
 ditch and Moishele vas thrown into  the other. I  vas hurting, real bad and
 didn't want to move.  However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning.
 I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his  groans.
 Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could  hear Moishele moaning and
groaning so he vent over to him.      After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was
 in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.
Den the  Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says,
  
  "How you feeling?"  "Nu, Judge, vat vould  you say?