Humor is just another defense against the universe.
For those of you who have been searching for a greater understanding of Jewish holidays major and minor, I think you will find the explanation below most enlightening...
YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist, A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste. Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist, My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht. So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir, Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear. And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was shtick naches, But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my tuchas. Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better. Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one needs to write a letter. But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention, No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen: They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel, Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget schlemazel. These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener, So much better than "a pill " is to call someone "farbissener". Or, that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria, And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria. I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch, But isn't meiskeit nicer, than to call someone a wretch? Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear, To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear. A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt, But you are speaking narishkeit.....And A gezunt auf dein kup!" ~~~~~~~~ GLOSSARY ~~~~~~~~ Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand Bisseleh = A little Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up Och un vai = Alas and alack Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me Pisk = mouth Naches = Joy, Gratification Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad luck (it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!) Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera. Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry. Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on your nerves Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer Mieskeit = Ugly Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it! Nonsense! (Lit., a night's day) Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!! Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done! Narishkeit = Nonsense Hope you enjoyed!
Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get ? A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck!
Bar Mitzvah Definition: A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
How do Jews actually practice their religion in contrast to what rabbis tell us we ought to do? From Ari Goldman's Book: "Being Jewish: the Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" -- 1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat. 2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat. 3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat). 4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home. 5. I keep 3 sets of dishes - for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food.
Neurotic: A person who worries about things that didn't happen in the past... instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the future, like normal people.
"A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
The Night Before Chanukah 'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels The menorah was set by the chimney alight In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay! Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin' And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas Santa had fallen right on his tuchas! I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei While Bubbie was eating herring on rye I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes To the window I ran, and to my surprise A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes. When he got to the door and saw the menorah "Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!" I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise! As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys." "Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish." With smacks of delight he started his fressen Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen Along with his meal he had a few schnapps When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!" He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish "Your koshereh meals are simply delish!" As he went through the door he said "See y'all later I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!" So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint" he called out cheerily into the wind. More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came As he whistled and shouted and called them by name "Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy! On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!" He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight "A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!" Anon
This is a little-known tale of how G-d came to give us the Ten Commandments. G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a Commandment. "What's a commandment," they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends." So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said G-d, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy." So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" G-D said, "They're free." The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."
It is teeming rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me." The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me." The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gate he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous, observant person my whole life, and depended on You to save me in my hour of need. Where were You?" And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more do you want?"
"Tradition...Tradition... "During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a homebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was. So he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand!" The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"
Kosher Computers Made in Israel by DELLSHALOM It is selling at such a good price !! If you or a friend are considering a Kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
JEWISH MOTHERS 1.The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. 2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. 3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 4. Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Pr incess horror movie? It's called 'Debbie Does Dishes.' 5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. 6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's. 7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, 'So did my arthritis.' 8. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you!?' 'Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?' The mother answered, 'Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.' 9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it?' The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.' 10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner. 11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Zero: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody. 12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. 13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied. 14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. 15. Jewish mother's telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.' 16. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off. 17. Question: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? Answer: They're worth it. 18 Question: Why do Jewish men die before their wives? Answer: They want to.
∑ The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. ∑ If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. ∑ It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job. ∑ If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. ∑ Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour? ∑ WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave. ∑ Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah. ∑ Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur. ∑ There's nothing like a good belch. ∑ Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia. ∑ Never pay retail. ∑ Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre. ∑ No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover. ∑ The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. ∑ And what's so wrong with dry turkey? ∑ If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. ∑ Always leave a little room for the Viennese table. ∑ Always whisper the names of diseases. ∑ One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. ∑ If you don't eat, it will kill me. ∑ Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. ∑ The most important word to know in any language is sale. ∑ Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. ∑ Never take a front-row seat at a bris. ∑ Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste. ∑ Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise? ∑ Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. ∑ Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach . ∑ The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the street parking is suspended. ∑ You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle. ∑ A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. ∑ A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. ∑ Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? ∑ Before you read the menu, read the prices. ∑ There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45. ∑ According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. ∑ Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish. ∑ If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear. ∑ No meal is complete without leftovers. ∑ What business is a yenta in? Yours. ∑ If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. ∑ The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall. ∑ Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon. ∑ Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
JEWISH VS. GOYISH Judges are Jewish Juries are GOYISH Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish Using them is Goyish Ordering family style is Jewish Ordering a la carte is Goyish Cruises are Jewish Walking tours are Goyish Laugh-In was Jewish Hee Haw was Goyish Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet first, is Jewish Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish Bunions are Jewish Flat feet are Goyish Simon Says is Jewish The Hokey Pokey is Goyish "Bewitched" is Jewish "I Dream of Jeannie" is Goyish The Limbo is Jewish Line dancing is Goyish Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish GOYISH VS. JEWISH Fruitcake is Goyish Fruit and cake is Jewish Reading "how-to" books is Goyish Writing "how-to" books is Jewish ESPN is Goyish PBS is Jewish Tiffany's is Goyish Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish Passing bars is Goyish Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish Mary Kay is Goyish Murray the K is Jewish The Chia pet infomercial is Goyish Ronco spray-on hair is Jewish Morbidly obese is Goyish Baby fat is Jewish NASCAR is Goyish. Period.
The Jewish Widow And The Butcher. In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father,Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did. They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?" She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family...
A university scholar, Mr. Joshua Epstein approaches a learned Rabbi telling him that he has a Doctorate in philosophy, and would now like to learn the Talmud to round off or complete his knowledge. After summing him up for a few minutes, the Rabbi told him " I seriously doubt that you are ready to study Talmud. Itís the deepest book of our people. If you wish however I am willing to examine you in logic, and if you pass the test I will teach you Talmud. " The young man agrees. Rabbi holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face? The young man stares at the Rabbi. "Is that a test in Logic?" The Rabbi nods. "The one with the dirty face washes his face" He answers wearily. "Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes his face." "Very clever" Says Epstein. . "Give me another test" The Rabbi again holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. which one washes his face? "We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face" "Wrong. Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his face" "I didn't think of that!" Says Epstein. " Itís shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!." The Rabbi holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face? "Each one washes his face" "Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face So neither one washes his face" Joshua Epstein is desperate. "I am qualified to study Talmud. Please give me one more test" He groans when the Rabbi lifts his two fingers "Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face? "Neither one washes his face" "Wrong. Do you now see, Joshua, why Socrates logic is an insufficient basis for studying the Talmud? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Donít you see? The whole question is narishkeit - foolishness - and if you spend your life trying to answer foolish questions, all your answers will be foolish."
Yiddish Humor Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele." Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog) into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?" "Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?
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