Jewish Humor

 

Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Mel Brooks

 



understanding the jewish holidays

For those of you who have been searching for a greater understanding of Jewish holidays major and minor, I think you will find the explanation below most enlightening...

  • As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.
    Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.
    Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Easter, Christmas, etc.), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
    The Diet Guide to the Jewish

    Holidays:
  • Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
  • Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
  • Yom Kippur -- More fasting
  • Sukkot -- Feast
  • Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
  • Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
  • Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
  • Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
  • Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
  • Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
  • Fast of Esther -- Fast
  • Purim -- Eat pastry
  • Passover -- Do not eat pastry
  • Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
  • 17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
  • Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
  • Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
    Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again
    There are many forms of Judaism:
  • Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.
  • Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.
  • Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.
  • Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast.
  • Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
    You know you grew up Jewish when:
  • You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.
  • You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket".
  • You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
  • You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
  • You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
  • You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
  • You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
  • You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.
  • You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
  • You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.
  • You thought that speaking loud was normal.
    Hebronics Update

    The New York City Board of Education has officially declared Jewish English-- now dubbed Hebonics -- as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of American culture.
    According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
    Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my feet?'"
    Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
    Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
    Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
    Schollman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.

  • Question: "What time is it?"
    English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
    Hebonic response: "What am I, a clock?"

  • Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
    English answer: "Thanks."
    Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!"

  • Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
    English answer: "Be right there."
    Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry'business? Is there a fire?"

  • Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
    English answer: "Glad you like it."
    Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"
  • Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
    English answer: "Congratulations!"
    Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."

  • Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
    English answer: "Just say when."
    Hebonic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

    The guest of honor at a birthday party:
    English answer: "Happy birthday."
    Hebonic response:"A year smarter you should become."

  • Remark: "A beautiful day."
    English answer: "Sure is."
    Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

    Answering a phone call from son:
    English answer:"It's been a while since you called."
    Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

    OY !
                       YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE
    
                     Yiddish was the secret code,
                    therefore I don't farshtaist,
                    A bisseleh maybe here and there, the
                    rest has gone to waste.
    
                     Sadly when I hear it now, I only get
                    the gist,
                     My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but
                    me, I am tsemisht.
    
                    So och un vai as I should say, or
                    even oy vai iz mir,
                     Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish,
                    it's familiar to my ear.
    
                    And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I
                    was shtick naches,
                     But, when it comes to Yiddish
                    though, I'm talking out my
                    tuchas.
     
                      Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I
                    don't know it better.
                     Though it's really nishtkefelecht
                    when one needs to write a
                    letter.
    
                     But, when it comes to characters,
                    there's really no contention,
                     No other linguist can compete with
                    honorable mentshen:
     
                     They have nebbishes and nebechels
                    and others without mazel,
                     Then, too, schmendriks and
                    schlemiels, and let's not forget
                    schlemazel.
     
                     These words are so precise and
                    descriptive to the listener,
                     So much better than "a pill " is to
                    call someone "farbissener".
     
                     Or, that a brazen woman would be
                    better called chaleria,
                     And you'll agree farklempt says more
                    than does hysteria.
     
                     I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I
                    hope I'm not a kvetch,
                     But isn't meiskeit nicer, than to
                    call someone a wretch?
    
                     Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say,
                     "It's nechtiker tog,
                     don't fear,
                     To me you're still a maven, zol zein
                      shah, don't fill my  ear.
                     A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't
                     mean to interrupt,
                     But you are speaking
                     narishkeit.....And A gezunt auf dein
                     kup!"
    
                      ~~~~~~~~
                      GLOSSARY
                      ~~~~~~~~
     
                      Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
                      Bisseleh = A little
                      Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
                      Och un vai = Alas and alack
                      Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
                      Pisk = mouth
                      Naches = Joy, Gratification
                      Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame
                      for the children
                      Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
                      Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
                      Nebechels = A pititful person or
                      playing the role of being one
                      Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept
                      person, butter-fingered
                      Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or
                      indifferent person
                      Schlemazel = Luckless person.
                      Unlucky person; one with
                      perpetual bad luck (it is said 
                      that the shlemiel spills the
                      soup on the Shlimazel!)
                      Farbissener = Embittered; bitter
                      person
                      Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably
                      derived from cholera.
                      Farklempt = Too emotional to talk.
                      Ready to cry.
                      Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on
                      your nerves
                      Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a
                      complainer
                      Mieskeit = Ugly
                      Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden,
                      suddenly
                      Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone!
                      Forget it!
                      Nonsense! (Lit., a night's day)
                      Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
                      Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of
                      praise like; Well said! Well done!
                      Narishkeit = Nonsense
     
                      Hope you enjoyed!
     
    


    
       Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get ?
       A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck!
    
    Bar Mitzvah Definition: A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
    How do Jews actually practice their religion in contrast to what rabbis tell us we ought to do? From Ari Goldman's Book: "Being Jewish: the Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" -- 1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat. 2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat. 3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat). 4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home. 5. I keep 3 sets of dishes - for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food.
    Neurotic: A person who worries about things that didn't happen in the past... instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the future, like normal people.
    "A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
  • If you want varnishkas, press 1;
  • If you want knishes press 2;
  • If you want chicken soup, press 3;
  • If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
  • If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.

  • 
    The Night Before Chanukah
     
    
    'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and
    maidels
    Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
    The menorah was set by the chimney alight
    In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
    Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
    And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!
    
     
    Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
    While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
    The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
    And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
    A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
    Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
     
    I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
    While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
    I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
    And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
    To the window I ran, and to my surprise
    A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
    
    
    When he got to the door and saw the menorah
    "Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
    I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
    As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
    "Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
    Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish."
    
    
    With smacks of delight he started his fressen
    Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
    Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
    When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
    He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
    But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"
    
    
    He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
    "Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
    As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
    I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
    So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
    he called out cheerily into the wind.
    
    
    More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
    As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
    "Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
    On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
    He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
    "A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"
    
    
    Anon 
    

    This is a little-known tale of how G-d came to give us the Ten Commandments. G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a Commandment. "What's a commandment," they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends." So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said G-d, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy." So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" G-D said, "They're free." The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."
    It is teeming rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me." The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me." The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gate he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous, observant person my whole life, and depended on You to save me in my hour of need. Where were You?" And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more do you want?"
    
    
    "Tradition...Tradition... "During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a homebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was. So he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand!" The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"
    Kosher Computers 
    Made in Israel by DELLSHALOM 
    It is selling at such a good price !! 
    
      If you or a friend are considering a Kosher computer, you should know that
     there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as: 
    
     
  • The cursor moves from right to left.
  • Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
  • It comes with two hard drives-one for: fleyshedik (meat) business software and one for milchedik (dairy) games.
  • Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."
  • The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels".
  • The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
  • The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's Go!! I'm Not Getting Any Younger!" button.
  • When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
  • Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
  • You will hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. When running "ScanDisk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
  • When your PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
  • Year 2000" issues were replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
  • After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
  • Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
  • There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
  • After your computer dies, you MUST dispose of it within 24 hours.
  • And of course the BEST Feature of all: Kosher Computers DONT GET SPAM!


  • JEWISH MOTHERS
    1.The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women 
    like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to 
    the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. 
    
    2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. 
    In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates 
    from medical school. 
    
    3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
      A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 
    
    4. Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Pr incess horror movie? 
      It's called 'Debbie Does Dishes.' 
    
    5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 
      A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. 
    
    6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? 
      A: Facing Bloomingdale's. 
    
    7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, 
    she replied, 'So did my arthritis.' 
    
    8. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you!?' 'Not too good,' 
    said the mother. 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' 
    She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible. 
    Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?' The mother answered, 'Because 
    I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.' 
    
    9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a 
    part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it?' The boy says, 
    'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 
    'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.' 
    
    10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 
      A: Under the vacuum cleaner. 
    
    11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
      A: Zero: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to 
    be a nuisance to anybody. 
    
    12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. 
    
    13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street 
    and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied. 
    
    14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
      A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. 
    
    15. Jewish mother's telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.' 
    
    16. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? 
      A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off. 
    
    
    17. Question: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? 
    		Answer: They're worth it.
    
    18  Question: Why do Jewish men die before their wives? 
    		Answer: They want to. 
    

    ∑        The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. 
    
    ∑        If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. 
    
    ∑        It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job. 
    
    ∑        If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. 
    
    ∑        Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour? 
    
    ∑        WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave. 
    
    ∑        Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah. 
    
    ∑        Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur. 
    
    ∑        There's nothing like a good belch.
    
    ∑        Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
    
    ∑        Never pay retail. 
    
    ∑        Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre. 
    
    ∑        No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover. 
    
    ∑        The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. 
    
    ∑        And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
    
    ∑        If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. 
    
    ∑        Always leave a little room for the Viennese table. 
    
    ∑        Always whisper the names of diseases. 
    
    ∑        One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. 
    
    ∑        If you don't eat, it will kill me. 
    
    ∑        Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 
    
    ∑        The most important word to know in any language is sale. 
    
    ∑        Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. 
    
    ∑        Never take a front-row seat at a bris. 
    
    ∑        Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste. 
    
    ∑        Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise? 
    
    ∑        Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. 
    
    ∑        Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach . 
    
    ∑        The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the street parking is suspended.
    
    ∑        You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
    
    ∑        A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. 
    
    ∑        A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. 
    
    ∑        Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? 
    
    ∑        Before you read the menu, read the prices. 
    
    ∑        There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45. 
    
    ∑        According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
    
    ∑        Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish. 
    
    ∑        If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
    
    ∑        No meal is complete without leftovers. 
    
    ∑        What business is a yenta in? Yours. 
    
    ∑        If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. 
    
    ∑        The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall. 
    
    ∑        Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
    
    ∑        Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
    
    

    JEWISH        VS.  GOYISH
    
    Judges are Jewish
    
    Juries are GOYISH
    
    
    Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish
    	
    Using them is Goyish
    
    
    Ordering family style is Jewish
    
    Ordering a la carte is Goyish
    
    
    Cruises are Jewish
    
    Walking tours are Goyish
    
    
    Laugh-In was Jewish
    	
    Hee Haw was Goyish
    
    
    Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet first, is Jewish
    
    Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish
    
    
    Bunions are Jewish
    Flat feet are Goyish
    
    
    Simon Says is Jewish
    The Hokey Pokey is Goyish
    
    
    "Bewitched" is Jewish
    "I Dream of Jeannie" is Goyish
    
    
    The Limbo is Jewish
    Line dancing is Goyish
    
    
    Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish
    Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish
    
    GOYISH        VS.   JEWISH
    
    Fruitcake is Goyish
    Fruit and cake is Jewish
    
    
    Reading "how-to" books is Goyish
    Writing "how-to" books is Jewish
    
    
    ESPN is Goyish
    PBS is Jewish
    
    
    Tiffany's is Goyish
    Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish
    
    
    Passing bars is Goyish
    Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish
    
    
    DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish
    PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish
    
    
    Mary Kay is Goyish
    Murray the K is Jewish
    
    
    The Chia pet infomercial is Goyish
    Ronco spray-on hair is Jewish
    
    
    Morbidly obese is Goyish
    Baby fat is Jewish
    
    NASCAR is Goyish. Period.
    

    The Jewish Widow And The Butcher.
    
    In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His
     widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the
     people of the town decided that she ought to get
     married again.
    
     But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor
     was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat
     dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the
     butcher had no great formal education. However, she was
     lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.
    
     After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah
     (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she
     went home to prepare to light the candles.
    
     The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana,
     told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the
     candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.
    
     She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My
     father,Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles
     it's good to have sex." So they did.
    
     They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they
     awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said
     that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have
     sex." So they did.
    
     After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again
     he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says
     after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.
    
     On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend
     who asked, "So how is the new husband?"
    
     She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from
     a wonderful family...
    
    
    A university scholar, Mr. Joshua Epstein approaches a learned Rabbi telling him that 
    he has a Doctorate in philosophy, and would now like to learn the Talmud to round 
    off or complete his knowledge. After summing him up for a few minutes, the Rabbi 
    told him " I seriously doubt that you are ready to study Talmud. Itís the deepest 
    book of our people. If you wish however I am willing to examine you in logic, and 
    if you pass the test I will teach you Talmud. "
    
    The young man agrees. Rabbi holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One 
    comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
    
    The young man stares at the Rabbi. "Is that a test in Logic?" The Rabbi nods.
    
    "The one with the dirty face washes his face" He answers wearily.
    
    "Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. 
    The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his 
    face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and 
    thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes his face."
    
    "Very clever" Says Epstein. . "Give me another test"
    
    The Rabbi again holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One comes out 
    with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. which one washes his face?
    
    "We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face"
    
    "Wrong. Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face 
    looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the 
    clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the 
    one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the 
    one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his face"
    
    "I didn't think of that!" Says Epstein. " Itís shocking to me that I could make an 
    error in logic. Test me again!."
    
    The Rabbi holds up two fingers " Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with 
    a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
    
    "Each one washes his face"
    
    "Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the 
    dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. 
    The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his 
    face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty 
    face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face So neither one washes his face"
    
    Joshua Epstein is desperate. "I am qualified to study Talmud. Please give me one more test"
    
    He groans when the Rabbi lifts his two fingers "Two men come down a chimney. One
    comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which 
    one washes his face?
    
    "Neither one washes his face"
    
    "Wrong. Do you now see, Joshua, why Socrates logic is an insufficient basis 
    for studying the Talmud? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down 
    the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with 
    a dirty face? Donít you see? The whole question is narishkeit - foolishness - and 
    if you spend your life trying to answer foolish questions, all your answers will be foolish."
    
    
    Yiddish  Humor
    
     Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large  truck.
    
     Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy  lawyer was questioning Shmuel.
    
         "Didn't you say, at the  scene of the accident, "I'm fine,'?"  asked the lawyer.
    
    Shmuel  responded, 
    
    
     "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my  dog Moishele, into  the..."
     
        "I didn't ask for any  details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question.
     
       Did you not say, at the  scene of the accident,  'I'm  fine!'?"
    
     Shmuel said,  "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas
     driving down the  road...."
     
     The lawyer interrupted again and said,
    
         
     "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the  accident, this man told the
         Highway Patrolman on the scene  that he was just fine. Now several weeks after 
     the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe  he  is a  fraud.
    Please tell him to simply answer the  question."
     
     By  this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's  answer and said to the lawyer,
     
     "I'd like to hear what he  has to say about  his dog Moishele."
    
          Shmuel thanked the Judge and  proceeded.
     "Vell, like I  vas saying, I  just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog) into the
     car and  vas driving him down the highway  when this  huge semi-truck and trailer ran the
      stop  sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one
     ditch and Moishele vas thrown into  the other. I  vas hurting, real bad and
     didn't want to move.  However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning.
     I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his  groans.
     Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could  hear Moishele moaning and
    groaning so he vent over to him.      After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was
     in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.
    Den the  Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says,
      
      "How you feeling?"  "Nu, Judge, vat vould  you say?
    



    Jewish Humor page 2Jewish JokesJewish Mother JokesChanukah JokesPassover Jokes

    Copyright © 2007 www.jewishsphere.com  All Rights Reserved. 
    If you have navigated to this page from another site, and you would like to go to our home page, please click:
    Jewish Directory Main Page