Jewish Humorpage 2
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. 2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon. 3. No meal is complete without leftovers. 4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. 5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. 6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle. 7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. 8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms. 9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris. 11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise? 12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed. 13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca. 14. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave. 15. Always whisper the names of diseases. 16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. 17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended. 18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? 19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid. 20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for a Ghet." The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith. The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision) She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!"
A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. "Behave, my Buibaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, Tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my Ketsaleh!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my Pupaleh learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is Jerry."
Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip!" said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table! I made my quota easily." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.
Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets. His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made." Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again. Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray...to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off." Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And...it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly! Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?" "Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzo broken on the perforation.
10. Save money by using last yearís Matza (it wonít taste any different and you havenít thought of eating it since then) 9. Elbows on the table 8. Maror Ė itís a better medicine for sinuses than any prescription. 7. Four cups of wine (and if Elijah doesnít show this year, thereís a 5th!!) 6. The extra cash from selling your Chometz comes in handy after Spring Break. 5. The required cleaning of the refrigerator gives you a reason to throw out that old milk container. 4. You actually eat the parsley. 3. Reasons to use your wooden spoon, candle, and feather collection that you can actually tell you mother about. 2. Think of all the toilet paper you save by eating Matzah for a week. 1. To remember that Charlton Heston (and his wife, Lilly Munster) led you out of Egypt.
Some years ago, the only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being a frugal lot, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful; it produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very, very happy. They decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it so that they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull so that he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask their old and very wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was going on. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, when he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said "how did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is also from Minsk."
The Secret of a Long Jewish Marriage At a synagogue in New York City, they have marriage seminars for the community. Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they attend together. At the men's seminar last week, the rabbi asked Schlomo about his marriage. Schlomo replied that he had been married for almost 50 years. The rabbi was impressed and asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Schlomo replied to the assembled husbands, "Nu, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, let her keep a Kosher home, take her on trips and never look at other women. Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 25th anniversary!" The rabbi responded, "Schlomo, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Schlomo proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."
Jewish Wisdom... A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?" The wise old Rabbi answers: " Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one. If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong? My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family." I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?" Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?" Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?" "No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes" answered the rabbi. "Are you sure Rabbi?" "Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi. " Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?" The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine." The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac." The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka." The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer." The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila." The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes." Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."
Jewish calendar For those who frequent Chinese restaurants (don't we all?- The Kosher Kind of Course), and see the placemats showing the Chinese zodiac (you know, the year of the rat, the year of the monkey, etc.) - well, here is the official Jewish equivalent. Now you can find out who you are. The Year of: CHICKEN SOUP 1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003 You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children - resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish. EGG CREAM 1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004 You've got a devious personality since you're made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you're too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide. CHOPPED LIVER 1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005 People either love you or hate you, making you wonder "What am I, chopped liver?" But don't get a complex; you're always welcome at the holidays! Bagel's got your back. BLINTZ 1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006 Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear. LATKE 1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007 Working class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the inside. Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you're a real dish. Compatible with Schmear's cousin Sour Cream. BAGEL 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008 You're pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox...Latke and Knish, not so much. PICKLE 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009 You're the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life. SCHMEAR 1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010 You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami - wouldn't be kosher. PASTRAMI 1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011 Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice up life even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who's always by your side. BLACK AND WHITE ICE CREAM SODA 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012 Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you're "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it "bipolar." Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself. KNISH 1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013 Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance. Consider medical or law school, but don't get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your league. LOX 1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014 Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.
Sir Moses Haim Montefiore (1784-1885), a British Jewish banker and philanthropist,
determined defender of human rights and sheriff of London, was once seated at dinner
next to an important personality and an anti-Semite, who told him he had just
returned from Japan where they "have neither pigs nor Jews."
Montefiore replied instantly: "Accordingly, you and I should go there so they can have a sample of each."
Riddles Q: How can you tell the gefilte fish from all the other fish in the sea? A: Itís the one swimming around with the little carrot on its back. Q: What favourite nine-letter word is regularly used by Jewish grandmas when they have their grandchildren round for tea? A: Eateateat Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: If they flew over the bay, they'd be "bagels" Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men? A: Fillet minyan. Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza? A: Matzarello Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? A: "Is anything OK?" Q: How do Jewish wives prepare their children for supper? A: They put them in the car. Q: How do you prevent your bagels being stolen? A: Put lox on them.
PHILANTHROPY A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide."It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer." "Never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check", replied the guide.
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