Jewish Humor

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Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Mel Brooks


New Rabbi in the synagogue. He reads the Shema prayer, and then half of the synagogue rises.
The other half starts to shush and say: "Sit down!", And the first one objects to the second: "You are the one to stand up!"
The Rabbi in difficulty ends, and in the morning goes to the Tzadik.
He says: I donít know what the right tradition is, while reading "Shema"
- do Jews have to get up?
-"No, there is no such tradition ..." answers the tzaddik.
- That is, the tradition orders to sit?
"No, it does not," the Tzadik answers, "there is no such tradition either."
- So why did one half of the synagogue quarrel with the other?!
- But we have such a tradition! - the Tzadik answers
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.

9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.

14. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.

15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.

18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.

  • SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS: "Under same management for over 5767 years."
    More Jewish Humor:
  • Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
  • What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
  • Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
  • Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
  • My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

  • It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?," Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

  • An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living ...."

  • A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.

  • Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy" The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

  • And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything right?"

    You know You Grew Up Jewish When
  • You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef brisket".
  • Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
  • Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.
  • You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
  • You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
  • You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
  • Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.
  • You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
  • You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.
  • You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
  • You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout, "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.
  • You have at least six male relatives named David.
  • You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie.
  • You thought that speaking loud was normal.
    Jewish Divorce
    A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
    When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete 
    the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for 
    a Ghet." 
    The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
    So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony 
    required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a 
    divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
    The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)
    She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid 
    of the entire prick!"  

    A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
    "Behave, my Buibaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, 
    Tataleh!  And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh.  Your Mommy loves you 
    a lot, my Ketsaleh!"
    At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
    "So what did my Pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
    The boy answers, "I learned my name is Jerry."

     Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?"
     "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."
     "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left.
     Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
    "Thanks for the tip!" said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later
     the two bees ran into each other again.
     The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
    "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There
     was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table! I
     made my quota easily."
     "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
     "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was  a wasp.
    Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes.
     Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. 
    It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer 
    in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
     His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie 
    into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to 
    commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have 
    our approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."
     Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire 
    resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. 
    Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the 
    new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of 
    the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; 
    his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test 
    flight--the wings broke off again.
     Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to ask G-d where he 
    had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the 
    matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
     After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's 
    shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do 
    is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. 
    If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
     Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought 
    about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy 
    insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of 
    the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings 
    met the fuselage. worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!
     Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had 
    worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."
     "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from 
    falling off?"
     "Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and 
    I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT 
    ONCE--has the matzo broken on the perforation.
    10. Save money by using last yearís Matza (it wonít taste any
           different and you havenít thought of eating it since then)
     9. Elbows on the table
     8. Maror Ė itís a better medicine for sinuses than any prescription.
     7. Four cups of wine (and if Elijah doesnít show this year, thereís a 5th!!)
     6. The extra cash from selling your Chometz comes in handy after Spring Break.
     5. The required cleaning of the refrigerator gives you a reason to
         throw out that old milk container.
     4. You actually eat the parsley.
     3. Reasons to use your wooden spoon, candle, and feather
        collection that you can actually tell you mother about.
     2. Think of all the toilet paper you save by eating Matzah for a week.
     1. To remember that Charlton Heston (and his wife, Lilly Munster)
         led you out of Egypt.

    Some years ago, the only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.  The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.
      Being a frugal lot, they bought the cow from Minsk.
      The cow was wonderful; it produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very, very happy.
      They decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it so that they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
      They bought a  bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
      However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull so that he could not succeed  in his quest.
      The people were very upset and decided to ask their old and very wise rabbi, what to do.
     They told the rabbi what was going on.
     "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,
    when he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
       The  rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from  Minsk?"
       The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
       "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said "how did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
       The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is also from Minsk."

    The Secret of a Long Jewish Marriage 
    At a synagogue in New York City, they have marriage seminars for the
    community.  Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they attend
    together.  At the men's seminar last week, the rabbi asked Schlomo about his
    marriage.  Schlomo replied that he had been married for almost 50 years.
    The rabbi was impressed and asked him to take a few minutes and share some
    insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these
    Schlomo replied to the assembled husbands, "Nu, I've tried to treat her
    nice, spend money on her, let her keep a Kosher home, take her on trips and
    never look at other women.  Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 25th
    The rabbi responded, "Schlomo, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
    husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
    50th anniversary?"
    Schlomo proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."

    Jewish Wisdom...
    A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"
    The wise old Rabbi answers: " Yankele will marry you.  Yosele will be the lucky one.
    If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?
    My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family."  I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"
    Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too.  But who cares?"
    Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"
    "No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes"  answered the rabbi. 
    "Are you sure Rabbi?" 
    "Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi.
    " Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"
    The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."  
    The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."  
    The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka." 
    The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer." 
    The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila." 
    The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
    Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

    Jewish calendar
     For those who frequent Chinese restaurants (don't we all?- The Kosher Kind of Course), 
    and see the placemats showing the Chinese zodiac (you know, the year of the rat, the year 
    of the monkey, etc.) - well, here is the official Jewish equivalent.
     Now you can find out who you are.
                        The Year of:
     1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
     You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better  
    just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet  their 
    children - resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.
     1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
     You've got a devious personality since you're made with neither eggs nor cream. 
    Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you're too frothy.  
    Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.
     1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
     People either love you or hate you, making you wonder "What am I, chopped liver?" 
    But don't get a complex; you're always welcome at the holidays! Bagel's got your back.
     1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
     Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy 
    but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover morning, noon and night. 
    Compatible with Schmear.
     1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
     Working class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the inside. 
    Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you're a real dish. Compatible with Schmear's 
    cousin Sour Cream.
     1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
     You're pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's missing in your center. 
    If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox...Latke and Knish, 
    not so much.
     1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
     You're the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you 
    never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. 
    Marry Pastrami later in life.
     1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
     You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, 
    you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. 
    Avoid Pastrami - wouldn't be kosher.
     1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
     Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice up life 
    even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who's always by your side.
     1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
     Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? 
    You say you're "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it "bipolar." Sweetie, you're most 
    compatible with yourself.
     1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
     Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance. Consider 
    medical or law school, but don't get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. 
    Avoid Lox, who's out of your league.
     1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
     Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat, 
    getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, 
    although you top them both.

    Sir Moses Haim Montefiore (1784-1885), a British Jewish banker and philanthropist, determined defender of human rights and sheriff of London, was once seated at dinner next to an important personality and an anti-Semite, who told him he had just returned from Japan where they "have neither pigs nor Jews."
    Montefiore replied instantly: "Accordingly, you and I should go there so they can have a sample of each."

    Q:  How can you tell the gefilte fish from all the other fish in the sea?
    A:  Itís the one swimming around with the little carrot on its back.
    Q: What favourite nine-letter word is regularly used by Jewish grandmas when they have their grandchildren round for tea?
    A:  Eateateat
    Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
    A: If they flew over the bay, they'd be "bagels"
    Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?
    A: Fillet minyan.
    Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?
    A: Matzarello
    Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
    A: "Is anything OK?"
    Q: How do Jewish wives prepare their children for supper?
    A: They put them in the car.
    Q: How do you prevent your bagels being stolen?
    A: Put lox on them. 

    PHILANTHROPY A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide."It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer." "Never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check", replied the guide.

  • What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
  • Filet minyan.
    In America in the 1900s on the same street opened four tailoring shops.
    Italian first opened and hung a sign: "The best tailor in Italy."
    The second Frenchman opened: and hung a sign: "The best tailor in Europe."
    The third opened a German with a sign: "The best tailor in the world."
    The last Jew from Berdichev came and ordered the sign: "Best tailor on this street."

    Two beggars are sitting a few feet apart on a busy street in a notoriously anti-Semitic neighborhood.
    One has a sign that reads "Please help a wounded war veteran." The other sign reads "Help a poor old Jew."
    Hundreds of people pass by during the day. Just to spite the Jew, even those who would never ordinary give money to a beggar
    make big show of putting large sums of money into the war veteran's cup.
    Finally a good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and says to the Jew, "Look, why don't you change your sign? I hate
    to say it, but people around here don't like Jews. With a sign like this, you're never going to get a penny".
    When the good man is out of earshot the old Jew turns to the other beggar and says "Get load of him Moishe. Look who's
    trying to teach us about business."
    Jewish smiley

    "Pierre, have you passed the test in astrophysics?"
    "No, the teacher put a bad grade on the question of reptilians, said that the topic of alien communications with Alpha
    Centauri and the Zionist conspiracy was not sufficiently disclosed"
    The ancient occupants of Europe knew nothing about the Jews. Therefore, in all their troubles, they blame the dark forces of nature.
    The pastor to the rabbi:
    - Maybe you'll try a piece of ham after all?
    - I'll try, I will certainly try - at your wedding

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