Jewish Humor

Jewish Humor page 2			Humor is just another defense against the universe. Mel Brooks

THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.

9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.

14. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.

15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.

18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.

SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS: "Under same management for over 5767 years."
More Jewish Humor:

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?," Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living ...."

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy" The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything right?"

You know You Grew Up Jewish When

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef brisket".

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.

You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout, "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You have at least six male relatives named David.

You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie.

You thought that speaking loud was normal.

Jewish Divorce

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
 
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete 
the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for 
a Ghet." 

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
 
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony 
required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a 
divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)

She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid 
of the entire prick!"

A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

"Behave, my Buibaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, 
Tataleh!  And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh.  Your Mommy loves you 
a lot, my Ketsaleh!"

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my Pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned my name is Jerry."

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip!" said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table! I made my quota easily." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.